Week 3 Story: The Fishermen
"Peach is just a big baby- "
"Am not!"
"Well until you figure yourself out, we're going."
"And finders keepers! Don't blame us when you starve!" Her brother chimed in.
The 3 of them had traveled awfully far from their reef, and there was something just too good to be true about the conveniently placed shrimp and bread flakes they had come across. Are fish even supposed to have this much deductive reasoning? She thought to herself. Of course not, that must be why her company today is so stupid.
"That's human food! This is a bad idea!"
He shouted behind him. "No one goes fishing with their own food and there's not a boat in sight. Worry about yourself, Peachy, we're not the ones going hungry today!"
She watched as they inched closer to the surface, taking their sweet, sweet time. What were they doing, scoping out for birds? Those morons should have bigger things to worry about, she thought.
"Hey maybe if you're nicer on the way back I'll bring you a piece." One of them joked.
Less tense, she retorted. "Nicer? Meaning I haven't been? Well maybe next time you can-"
*bloop*
She stopped mid-sentence as he was whisked along a string with a small *bloop* as he was ripped out of the water. "WAIT!" She called out as her brother noticed the former, right before being whisked away himself. *bloop*
She almost sprinted after them before stopping in her tracks. She followed the line with her eyes, tracing it back to a figure hovering in the water just far enough in the distance to be mistaken for natural landmarks. She was still for a moment, until she saw the line being thrown in the water with a new, fresh piece of bait. There was nothing she could do without risking herself too. What a mess, she was right.
Author's Note: The Circle's Magic is essentially about Eurylochus, who is the only one of his comrades to stay behind instead of being enchanted by a goddess and turned into a pig. This story is essentially the same thing but with fish, and I realized the plot reminded me of Finding Nemo, so I named the heroine after my favorite Finding Nemo character, the starfish. I don't know if real fish actually have that much brain activity, so I thought it was funny for Peach to think that to herself, (almost) like breaking the 4th wall!
Circle's Magic from Homer's Odyssey, translated into English by Tony Kline. (2004).
I really love where you had the moment where you almost broke the fourth wall with the fish wondering if it was even possible for her to have the aptitude to recognize and understand a situation. It was place of humor and made her more relatable all at the same time considering she was a fish it also helped to bring more focus to the story and set a good tone. I was also a really big fan of how you described the bait and the way that peach described or thought about it. The beginning was good but I was a little confused at the beginning and it took me a couple of times to read it to understand what is happening. It isn't bad and might be what you are trying to go for but it left me a little curious when beginning your piece. What if at the end there could be a part where after the first bloop one of the fish starts to fight and that could be a time for some dialogue from the brother or one of the friends asking for help and peach can't do anything to help them.
ReplyDeleteI really loved how the ending just leaves you hanging. There isn't a big save the day moment or anything that happens to her. It's just kind've over. I also liked reading the author's note and seeing that this was about The Circe's Magic from Homer's Odyssey because I loved reading that story during the first couple weeks. This was a very interesting way to retell the story of Eurylochus, but I would like to have more dialogue at the beginning to set up the fishing adventure. You could also just take a paragraph or two to set the scene with more description. Keep up the creativity!
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