Microfiction Revision: Tracked
Original: Parasites
I'm starting to see more and more lights. Everywhere. Short, tall, warm, cool, even the ones with gimmicks and adjustable brightness. Day and night they haunt me in the sidelines, lingering in my peripheral vision. How long will it take for the godforsaken lights to go away? They taunt me. Do you wish to make me doubt myself? It is futile, I am not so weak. I am resolute, despite your fruitless efforts to spite me. They blind my vision and my mind with useless thoughts. I turn to my LED desk lamp. "I should have never bought you online."
Edited: Tracked
I'm starting to see more and more lights. Everywhere. Short, tall, warm, cool, even the ones with gimmicks and adjustable brightness. Day and night they haunt me in the sidelines, lingering in my peripheral vision. How long will it take for the godforsaken lights to go away? They taunt me. Do you wish to make me doubt myself? It is futile, I am not so weak. I am resolute, despite your fruitless efforts to spite me. They blind my vision and my mind with useless thoughts. I turn to my LED desk lamp. "I should have never bought you online."
Night lamp, Source
Author's Note: The title has been bothering me for a while, but I was actually satisfied with the story itself so I wasn't sure if I should change anything. So I actually didn't change anything except for the title, because I realized I wasn't using the word "parasite" correctly! If you couldn't sense my mania before, this is the kind of content I come up with when I'm drink coffee at 3AM. After rereading it "parasites" didn't make any sense for the title, but I don't really like this one either. It's supposed to refer to when ad trackers monitor your electronic activity, but I will gladly take suggestions. I would love some good suggestions for a title if anyone wants to leave them in the comments!
Hello, I will admit that I was slightly confused as to where the story was going when I first read it but when I read the author’s note it made a lot more sense. I also think it was a good decision to change the title because the word parasite could be interpreted into several different meanings which could have made readers more confused. One suggestion I would make is maybe somehow add what you are talking about into the story and not just the author’s not to make it a little clearer what the story Is about.
ReplyDeleteHi SV,
ReplyDeleteThis story is really really cool. I like the changes you made, starting with the title. Your author's note describes why you changed it, and I think the new title really pulls the audience in. Really good revision. The other revisions also help out the story a lot, and give it just another element I think.
Hi SV, I also was confused until the Author's note but I do like it! The note made me laugh as well as the ending of the story. I think it was a good idea to change from parasites but I'm not sure what else you could use to title it. Maybe Sticken? That's sort of how I feel when all of a sudden I'm blinded by lights.
ReplyDeleteHey SV! I was so excited when I saw you wrote a microfiction, those are some of my favorite to read! You manage to pack in a lot of information and detail within that short amount of space. Your revision was good, and I definitely have moments where I feel overwhelmed by all the LED lights in my life. Great job and I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteI really like reading the microfictions that people have come up with. I tend to ramble so I don't think I would be able to do this but I should I try in the next few weeks. Although I do like your new title, Tracked, because it's almost kind of ominous. And it gives a hint to what is being talked about. But I also think a cool name would be Bluelight. The light that is reflected back to us from our screens (phones, computers) is called bluelight and can actually cause discomfort. Since you're talking about technology/lights it could be a way to hint at that!
ReplyDeleteHi SV :)
ReplyDeleteI really liked your microfiction. I was a little confused until I read your author's note, but going back and reading it with the new information your microfiction made a lot more sense. I actually don't think parasite was too far off. Sometimes with all the pop-up and personalized ads, I feel like the internet is trying to feed off specific parts of me in order to get my attention and money. I think maybe the title "Bluelight Parasite" would be good? Totally up to you though!
Hey SV! I love that in your author's note you asked for suggestions for the title. I think it says so much about you as a writer that you are wanting feedback so that you can grow your talent and writing impact! Personally, I relate heavily to writing stories at 3 in the morning wondering what the heck I was trying to say when I re-read it the next day. Great job on the micro fiction, and my title suggestion is "No Escape."
ReplyDelete